Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Falling in love and Consequently Losing Control

It feels a lot this week. It feels like I'm on a runaway train and I'm running around inside the train trying to make sure that the abandoned full cup's of tea in the food-carriage, do not spill any of their contents. I feel like I'm going somewhere at a rapid pace and at the same time stripping the tracks as I race through, making it difficult for me to navigate the origins of my intensions.

The room that we are renovating is looking so much better than what we were first presented with. We have worked hard on it, but a week and half down the line still not complete and I am feeling exhausted, over-stretched and anxious to complete it all before the weekend. It leaves me with a teary feeling....

This feeling of non-achievement drips menacingly into the other jobs that I do, compounding my insecurity of failure. I have dreamed a big dream here with Creative Education and I think this week, I am acknowledging the weight of my dreams.

This past Saturday with the children, I realised how much I loved them. It was a stone-cold realisation. I suddenly in a moment felt for the first time the enormity of what we were creating together. Realising this filled me with a sense of fear. In a flood of thoughts, I clung desperately onto the idea that I knew exactly what I was doing. I had to.

I do know what I am doing....don't I?




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